A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, far, far away, there was a beautiful planet that nurtured all the creatures that lived there. The people on the planet had everything they needed to be happy. Eventually though, some of them decided they needed more and became selfish and greedy.

These greedy ones began to enslave and kill their brothers and sisters. They said this was OK because it was part of God's plan and he approved. They learned better and better ways to kill each other and taught these skills to their children.

Over time the Dark Empire emerged. It grew powerful and greedy and its leaders justified their avarice and vilified their enemies. "We're the good guys," they told their people. "Those we invade and kill are the evil ones."

The storytellers who had talked to the people through the Idea Machine, telling them the truth about their world, were slowly replaced by Puppet People who said what they were told to say. The masses in the Empire were, for the most part, good and kind. Unfortunately their minds were controlled by the evil Idea Machine and many of them believed that God was on their side and everyone else was bad.

The Empire grew and prospered feeding off the rest of the planet; creating wars and poverty wherever it interfered. If the Empire had an interest somewhere, it created a revolution that brought its own government to power.

The Empire's industry and military needed the black Goop, found under the ground in many poor countries. It turned out that one part of the world had huge reserves of Goop, and to ensure the Empire's steady supply the leaders installed royal families and dictators to run those countries.

All went fairly well for many decades. Sure some leaders had to be eliminated because they tried to help their people or learned from the Empire's leaders and became themselves too greedy to trust.

These leaders were toppled by so called 'popular revolutions', or the Empire invaded and replaced them. The Empire's leaders were all rich and powerful, or servants of the rich and powerful, and eventually they placed their favorite villains in power all over the world.

One day, fanatics from some of the Goop countries penetrated the heart of the Empire and blew up some buildings, killing a lot of people. The leaders of the Empire became insane with anger and the Idea Machine started pumping out lies and propaganda.

The Empire's Secret Police screamed loudly that the Fanatics were helped by the government of Talabanstan, a small, very poor country, on the other side of the world. By co-incidence the country was next to another country that had huge reserves of Goop and its government had promised it to the Empire. To protect the Goop the Empire invaded Talabanstan.

Next the Idea Machine started creating stories about Iraqnaphobia, and it's leader Sadham the Butcher of Dagbad. Sadham was once the Empire's favorite lap dog until he became too greedy and bit his masters. He had lots of Goop, and had once angered the Empire by invading a neighboring Goop country.

The leaders of the Empire claimed Sadham had dangerous Weapons of Mass Destruction that he wanted to use. Sadham was once a puppet of the Empire's Secret Police and if he had WMD's they came from them, because as every knew, the Empire had enough weapons to blow up the entire planet and they weren't afraid to use them.


The Idea Machine pumped out stories for months, justifying an attack, before the Empire invaded Iraqnaphobia. The period of major hostilities lasted only a few weeks. The capital city, Dagbad, fell to the invaders and Sadham disappeared into the countryside.

Months went by as resentment against the invaders increase in Iraqnaphobia. Resistance fighters attacked and killed troops from the Empire, whenever they could. The country was in turmoil. Every day brave young men and women from the Empire died and their greedy old leaders grew richer and richer from the sale of Goop and war profiteering.

The Empire offered a huge reward for Sadham's capture. Eventually he was betrayed and found living like an animal in a hole. The Empire picked some local people to prosecute Sadham, to create the illusion that his trial was transparent and fair. At the same time thousands of suspected freedom fighters were being held without charges and tortured by Empire goons.

As the trial date approached the leaders of the Empire decided to turn the government back over to their hand picked flunkies, in a bid to distract attention from the trial. The new government took over the sanitation and postal service. The Empire kept control of the guns and Goop.

At his trial Sadham was defiant. He challenged the court's authority, and declared that he was still President of Iraqnaphobia. The anonymous judge read the charges and witnesses were called.

It was clear from the evidence that Sadham was guilty of murder and corruption. His evil deeds were numberless. His victims cried out from the grave for justice. His lawyers were dismayed.

They sent out subpoenas, calling for witnesses and documents. Over the course of the trial evidence came out that indited the President of the Empire and his evil father in most of Sadham's crimes. They gave him money, weapons and training. They were, it turned out, as guilty as he was.

An independent judge appointed by the United Nations had the Empire's President and all his henchmen arrested and tried. They all received punishment for their crimes. The Idea Machine was smashed and the Empire was dissolved, restoring freedom and justice to all.

The world's bountiful wealth was distributed among all the people of the planet and everyone lived happily ever after, in peace and prosperity-just like they would at the end of any good children's fairy tale.

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Paul's Biography

My agent recently asked me to write a biography, which he'll use to pitch my column for syndication, the next time he talks to Rupert Murdoch or Conrad Black. Mad Magazine and Soldier of Fortune have also expressed some interest, although I'm not sure associating myself with either of those publications will introduced me to the literary market I so desperately yearn for. I thought I'd share my bio with the public.

Paul was born in Stratford, Ontario one dark and stormy night. Family tradition says that the power went out just as his mother went into labour, and the lights returned when he took his first breath and peed on the doctors new suede Oxfords.

His extended family of musicians, street mimes and pickpockets introduced him early to the artistic life. By age 5, Paul had completed his first short story, the heart wrenching saga about a wolf who accidentally ate his best friend, a rare South American talking Mole. The wolf spends the rest of the story working to save Mole habitat in the depths of the Amazon jungle-trying desperately to atone for his indiscretion. The story received very positive reviews from a small group of sympathetic relatives.

By age 6 his undaunted investigative spirit led him to experiment with the controls on his father's rare Pierce-Arrow Sedan. Although replacement parts for the grill and front fenders were difficult to find, opinion was unanimous that it was amazing that someone with such short legs could manage to drive so far without mishap.

His precocious interest in mechanical equipment led him at age 10 to build a scale model of an Intercontinental Ballistic Missile. After a number of attempts he successfully launched it onto the roof of his neighbor's house. Rapid response by the local fire department prevented the small but stubborn fire from consuming the entire building.

At the end of his indentured servitude at the local emporium of education Paul chose to take some time to experience a bit of the world, in hopes of finding himself and his purpose in life.
He worked for awhile at the local brewery. The work was tedious and the building smelled bad, but the free beer at break time was an irresistible inducement. Once you got to know the old hands they'd throw a two-four of cold ones on the line, to get you through the boring work. He moved on from there the day the controls on the tow motor he was driving (and not adequately trained to operate) went haywire and he knocked over a couple of pallet of beer flooding out the shipping department.

In the next stage of his evolution Paul attended College and received a degree in filmmaking. He spent three years writing scripts and watching lots of movies. He learned to appreciate the Italian directors, especially Bernardo Bertolucci. He loved the way his name sounds if you say it a bunch of times really fast.

Things he learned: Film is very light sensitive and if you don't close the camera properly it looks really weird after it's been developed. He discovered that he didn’t work well in a team and was not good at accepting instructions from anyone pompous enough to think they could direct better than he could.

He found he had a strong penchant for costume design that discouraged him from discovering any ‘natural inclinations’ he might have in the movie industry.

His search for self-fulfillment led Paul to a Hippie farm commune in BC. Work experience there included weeding the garden, macramé and drumming. References available on request.
Next he moved to the West Coast of Vancouver Island and found a secluded beach where he lived as a hermit beachcomber and worked on his memoirs. He renounced material possessions and the company of his fellow man. Renouncing the company of women was not so easy and hormonal considerations led him to reconnect with his species after an extended period of self-reliance. He can help you out if you need any seashells or driftwood sculptures.

The next great adventure was a shoestring trip around the world, recording the adventure in his journals. After a year in India he found himself in Baba Boo Boo’s Ashram. When he woke up one morning and realized he'd given all his money to the good Baba, he decided it was time to see if his parents would front him a ticket home.

Back in Canada Paul went into the publishing business. It was long hours and hard work but he was finally doing his life's work. Things were great until he met this woman. When that ended he drank himself silly for a year and when he finally picked himself up off the bar room floor the business was in shambles.

He spent a few years driving taxi in Toronto, collecting life metaphors and experiencing every sordid aspect of big city life. (He's almost finished the novel.)

Paul currently lives in a sleepy little town in Eastern Ontario and works as a free lance writer. His agent assures him that a major Hollywood studio will soon pick up the story of his life. Rodney Dangerfield has expressed an interest in playing the lead.

Among other projects Paul writes a humorous weekly newspaper column, which regularly receives very positive reviews from a small group of sympathetic relatives.


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Humiliation TV

From: "Bix Bigshot"
To: "Paul Corman" <funink@msn.com>
Subject: Reality TV Show Outline

Paul: The whole creative team here at Exploitation TV is totally blown away by your idea. We agree, Reality TV is in desperate need of a 'reality check'. The market is wide open for an 'Idol Type' show, like the one you pitched us.

You are right. If we cut the fat that makes up the bulk of those other Idol Shows we're going to draw viewers. You've answered the question, "Why are these shows so popular?" The answer is that the audience wants to see the contestants publicly humiliated by the judges. All that singing and performing is just filler.

The real meat of the program is when the contestants are told they suck and are being kicked off the show. "Hey losers, you're going home!" The finale, where one winner is chosen, is anti-climactic compared to the pathos of rejection and public degradation the losers suffer.

The viewers eat it up. Hey when you're a young kid, working at a menial, demeaning job, with no benefits and no job protection, it's reassuring to see others agonize with self-doubt and despair. Better them than me. It's what my shrink calls a cathartic experience.

We've been doing some research. There's no doubt viewers are ready for more reality shows. Hey, they sat through Gulf War Two without complaining and it didn't even have a good music theme, like Rocky or Apocalypse Now. Scratch the music and our production costs go way down. Also the only 'performer' we have to pay is the one that's left at the end of the series. Man what a concept! The accounting department is way into the idea.

I see this project getting the green light in every way. I checked with my Astrologer and he says the Crab Nebula is rising in my air sign, my house needs minor plumbing repairs and I should never wear black shoes with a brown suit. To me that says winner, all the way.

As we see it, the project could easily develop into four one-hour episodes, in the 8 p.m. time slot, starting on a Wednesday and ending with a big finale Saturday night. Now that hockey is over, the beer accounts are looking for programming, so there's plenty of backing available. Also it means Don Cherry, (Mr. Humiliate Them on National TV), is available to be one of the judges.

Some other good news. The feedback from the focus group tells us that channel surfing is way down during reality show commercials. Viewers don't seem to realize it's a break until they're hooked on the Viagra ads. We think it's the shaky camera thing that fools them.

Just some suggestions. I personally like your title, 'Canadian Idiots'. Unfortunately the legal department thinks it's too close to that other reality show's name and they might think we're making fun of them. Also, viewers might be turned off, thinking it's something to do with the federal election.

We're toying with possible names for the series. 'Get Out of Here-Seriously, Get Out!' got a lot of votes, but personally I think it's way too many words for our target audience to remember.' You're Going Home, Loser' appeals to a lot of the team, but still too long. The one I like the best gets right to the point, with no wasted words, 'Humiliate Me'.

We did a test run on the concept using some kids we grabbed off the street. Here's a transcript of the tape.

Production studio. Back Stage. Hand held camera affect.

Narrator: "Hey, everybody ready for your big shot at fame and fortune?"

Male Contestant: I thought we were getting free pizza and soda. Where's the food?

Narrator: Later kid. Now I see some red eyes in the group. Everybody been practicing their crying? How about you?

Female Contestant: Yah. It's real easy for me to cry. My parents won't get me a cell phone. And if I'm out, like after 11 at night, my dad always comes and picks me up in this real old car he drives. My life is, like, totally embarrassing.

Narrator: That's a sad story. Well good luck. You never know, you just might be the lucky winner who gets to take her parents on an all expense paid trip to the next Elvis Impersonators Convention.

Cut to inside the theater. Male Contestant stands on stage looking bewildered.

Judge: Hey kid, where'd you get those clothes-a thrift store?

Other judges laughing.

Male Contestant: When do we get the pizza?

Judge: You know what kid, you're sad and pathetic! Me, me, me! That's all you kids think about these days. You're out of here. Hit the road, you're going home.

Contestant: Does this mean I don't get any pizza?

Cut to a shot of security escorting pizza guy out the back door.

Paul, we showed the tape to the focus group and they loved it. Which leads me to think about a whole bunch of follow-up rejection ideas.

A kid gets turned down for his first car loan.
Nerdy guy in a bar asking girls if they want to dance and getting the brush off.
Driver's car breaks down at a busy corner, in the middle of rush hour, and he asks other drivers for help.
Hack writer tries to sell a story idea to a TV Producer and gets turned down….Ha Ha! Just kidding.

Let's do lunch……Bix


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The Death of Rocky Raccoon

ALGONQUIN PARK-Enraged animals went on a rampage in this Nature Park, during the week, in retaliation for the death of animal leader Rocky Raccoon, who was killed in what police are calling a vehicular related accident.

Rocky died in an apparent hit and run, on a lonely stretch of Highway 60, just inside the boundary of Algonquin Park. His body was found Thursday morning by Park Rangers.
Police say they are investigating some leads but no arrest has been made. "We believe the victim died sometime Wednesday night," said Sergeant Bigillow of the local police. "His body lay on the road all night and was run over numerous times. It was one of the most gruesome scenes I've seen!"

Rocky was the leader and one of the founding members of the group Animal Power, a militant coalition of animal organizations dedicated to gaining equal rights with humans. The group has often been accused of using violent means to attain its goals.

Outrage erupted in the park as word of Rock's death spread throughout the animal community. Birds splattered tourist vehicles with dive bomb pooh, a swarm of bees attacked campers as they lined up for showers in the campground, and a fisherman said that a pike bit him on the finger as he tried to remove a hook from the fish's mouth. Reports that violence has spread to other communities in the province have not been confirmed.

Eager Beaver speaking for the group said, "Everyone in the park is deeply distressed by Rocky's death, which we view as a political assassination." Eager went on to say that humans have committed violent acts against animals since the beginning of history and should not be surprised if animals start to fight back.

Animal Power has been implicated in numerous acts of vandalism in recent years. Raccoons are often accused of leading the unrest. They chew into garbage bags late at night and leave a mess on sidewalks and lawns. Positive identification of the perpetrator is often difficult due to the raccoon's dark burglar mask.

The group's members believe that animals are the rightful owners of the planet Earth, pointing out that animals predate humans by millions of years. Rocky was quoted as saying that fossils of his ancestors can be traced back to the Lower Miocene Period.

The North American Raccoon, Procyon lotor, has distinctive rings on the tail, and 5 toes on each foot with non-retractable claws. Their habitat extends over most of North America and they can be found living in hollow trees, logs, rock crevices and ground burrows.

Raccoons are hunted and killed as pests in many parts of the country. They are not considered good to eat, and the fur has little or no market value, although one famous American, Daniel Boone, wore a hat with a Raccoon tail on the back.

Public opinion in the human population was strongly against Rocky and his organization. "There won't be any tears shed around here," said local hunter Gunut Gimble. "He was a trouble maker and got what he deserved."

Rocky appeared on many talk shows and was quoted widely in the press on animal rights issues. He tried to register as a candidate in the last federal election but the courts ruled that non-humans were not eligible to run.

A spokesperson for the Police said that Rocky was on their list of individuals they believe may have ties to Middle East Terrorists, although they would not discuss specific charges, or what proof they might have.

Animal Power has taken the lead in many issues over the last few years, campaigning to end the killing of animals and the destruction of their habitat. A small but vocal group protested the slaughter of deer and cormorants at Presqu'ile Provincial Park earlier this year. "This is nothing short of planned genocide," declared one group supporter who was at the barricade.

Rocky once said in an interview, "Humans blamed all their troubles on animals. According to one of their religions, a snake was responsible for the break with God, which forced mankind to leave the Garden of Eden. They also claim God gave them dominion over all the animals of the world. We say humans should be grateful for all the things we've done for them!"

The group points to the Passenger Pigeon, which was hunted to extinction, as an example of human callousness in their dealings with animals. They believe that the Earth actually belongs to animals and that animal ownership rights were never relinquished.

Animal Power gained worldwide attention recently with their effort to organize a domestic animal union. Farmers and pet owners throughout the country were outraged when they realized they could loose control of their animals.

The issue came to a head last year when a strike at the chicken farm of Munch Meatloaf stopped him from shipping eggs and poultry to the local market. "Them protesters should all be sent to the abattoir," Meatloaf said at the time.

Rocky will be greatly missed in the animal world. A memorial service will be held for him in the meadow behind the big Oak tree, where he lived with his wife and six children. Supporters will honor his passing with a special showing of his favorite Alfred Hitchcock movie, The Birds.


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